you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize