I just threw up on my dentist
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
