I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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