I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
