I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
