Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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