Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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