Just fell off a train. Bad.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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