she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just had sex on a roof
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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