I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This toilet bowl is my home.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
