I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
