I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
