apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
