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when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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