Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
