DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
