Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
