Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
