Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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