cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
