I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
