Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
