Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
