I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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