I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
