Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My feet surprised me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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