We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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