Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
