Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
