you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
