I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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