"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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