you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
