I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
