She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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