dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
