That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
