I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
