I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
