I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
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Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
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If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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