How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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