I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
