I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize