I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
