Swine flu. Run for my life!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
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you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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