i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
