i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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