I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
