things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
