I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
