I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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