He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
