That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
3 2 1 whiskey
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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