so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
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