Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
