I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
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his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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